The Current Between Us

"Human beings have two ways of breathing: breathing out and breathing in. Whenever there is another person, there is communication, there is a current, inhalation and exhalation

-Hanae Sawada, hanshi (master) of atarashii naginata (b. 1916)

No, I'm not turning into Yoda, at least not yet. I do find wisdom in the words of people who devote their lives to practising an art. They live a life of humility I find awe-inspiring. They dedicate themselves to learning, knowing that they'll be so much left unlearned, that mastery is an illusion and age will eventually rob much of their hard-won skill. They'll likely face an ignominious struggle, and be misunderstood and even disparaged by the comfortable. Yet they persist. It is poetry.

So let's look at what dear Hanae has to say, this little old grande dame of naginata. (A Japanese form of fighting using long wooden sticks.)

Current: choose your metaphor, electric or water. I choose water.

I like the idea of a current between two people. It reminds me to be respectful. It's easy to be heedless. I'm prone to arrogance, to hasty opinions that can border on the selfish and even destructive.

Communication, even at its earliest stage, is the beginning of a relationship. And what is a relationship but a tacit agreement to push and pull against each other for the sake of utility or curiosity or comfort? We create a current that takes us in one direction, with ripple effects that may travel far out of sight and cause whirlpools, riptides, rogue waves in the distance.

I've never thought fully of the consequences of my relationships, except in hindsight. Have any of us? It might paralyze us with fear if we were conscious of the responsibility we assume for one another.

I have nothing figured out. My impulse is to flee. However, the loose ends won't let me, the strings of unfinished business tangled around both wrists and ankles are holding me fast. I'm not in control, must demand patience from myself. If I struggle too hard, the knots only tighten.

So what's a gal to do, trussed up in bondage with a slew of currents pulsing around her? Think. I can try to be a better person, but that's sucky. It makes me either pious (read: self-righteous), or resentful (read: no one notices my perfect attendance record!). Think. Oh god, please don't use the word 'mindful'. Let's look to the people we love for inspiration.

My best friend puts it this way. She's visceral! "Live with your balls out," she says. "Put your balls on the fucking table, it takes guts to live like this. But you'll feel better about yourself. Show the real you. If people don't like it, too bad. Life's too short. You'll have people who love you for who you really are because you're not hiding."

Another friend prefers to nettle me with an appraising glance. He's oblique! I don't know if he trusts that I will attain enlightenment with such encouragement. Maybe he's thinking about what he'd like to eat for lunch, and I'm seeing a cryptic challenge where in fact, there is only the age-old debate of sandwich versus soup...or both.

Actually, what he says is, "You're 36 years old. Look at us: we're at an age that is telling. Neither of us is married, we don't want kids or a house or the Job. There's a reason that we don't want these things now. So figure out what you do want instead of trying to figure out how to want those other things."

Good advice from both that I have absorbed. The irony is that the currents I've created with the people I love is carrying me away from them. I don't know where, but I know at least physically I will be apart from them. Cause for panic, but the more I kick against it in my confusion, the more I struggle in the opposite direction, the more I am dragged under.

I'm not, however, encouraging a posture of submission. If I cede, I sink. I draw the distinction between passivity and patience, between resignation and faith.

It's fucking maddening to think about these things, to feel unsettled and curse myself for choosing to persist in this. What am I doing? Why can't I just pick a course that would be easier, more suitable to my surroundings? I could be happy, I could have a nice life, I could hide my balls most of my time and not feel it too great an imposition. And the answer that's emerging is very simple. I don't want to hide them away. I'm the guy at the BBQ who rests his leg on someone's Adirondack chair and flashes his sac as he takes a refreshing swallow of his Sleeman's. Yeah, he knows, he can't help it. He's a freak. I can relate.

I'm embarking on a weird trip. I've started by being more honest with others, less sophisticated with myself. Far from being admirable at this, I'm a fucking klutz. I'm asking dumb questions and praying they don't get me excommunicated.

I wish I had better things to offer. I wish I could let myself fall for the good guy, and say goodbye lovingly yet firmly to the one who wanders (in every sense). I wish I could roll up my sleeves and fix things. But this would be perpetuating a lie under the guise of efficiency.

So while figuring out how to correctly display my newfound balls, mainly I'll try to not get them mistaken for chum as I bob stupidly in this current. Bon voyage for now, G

PS Yes, I promise to lighten up with my next post! I've had a lot of heavy shit go down, yo. I've got a full complement of the absurd ahead of me, however, and the promise of a visit from my pirate pal Jody. What a pirate pal is, exactly, and how I came to have one will be forthcoming in the next coupla weeks.