More Dating Advice from a Guy

Back after a week of seeing live music and hangin' with my dearest galpal and yes, practising eye-fucking upon a few attractive, age-appropriate guys I've met. If I get a responsive gaze back, I proceed to venture an exchange of numbers. It's a smooth blurt on my part, jeesh.

Results have ranged from sincere thanks-but-no-thanks-I'm-taken, to bewilderment. In the latter case, I walk away feeling like a total dork, wishing I had played it cooler, replaying variations in my head. Damn. Further illustration of what I've been doing wrong, according to my dear guyfriend.

Dating Tip #2: Allow the other person to bring his or her A-Game.

We all walk around with a pitch about ourselves. Who are you in 25 words or less? Well, I'm a confident, funny tomboy who knows what she wants, a real catch. Ha!

First off, I'm not so sure about any of that. My directness may spring from insecurity, my impatience from discomfort of waiting for the other person to fill the pause. I don't think I have any clear idea of what I want except I haven't had it yet.

I'm tomboyish, but don't want to be defined by it. Some of it is a genuine attraction to boyish things, but some has come out of a distaste for the extravagancies of femininity, the cartoonish aspects of which alternately bore and repel me. And funny, well, funny can be effective armor.

My guyfriend asked what I considered to be my most notable characteristic, to which I replied I make people laugh. I'm funny. He shook his head with some sorrow.

"No, no. Don't be the Funny Girl."

I was chagrined. "But that's who I am! I'm not going to hide it just to pander to some notions of how a woman should be. If the guy can't take it, then he's not for me...", and so I went on for several more sentences.

My guyfriend had looked at me steadily this whole time. When I finished, he blinked and repeated. "Don't be the Funny Girl." He sighed. It seemed like he was always explaining things to me. "Look, you can be funny, you can be witty. But don't be the Funny Girl. It's...mannish. It makes guys uncomfortable. Do you want to be Kathy Griffin?"

I do not want to be her. A woman beloved by gays and gals, and laughed at uncomfortably by straight men who think, man, I would not fuck her for a million bucks. It's true: in dating, I don't want an audience who laughs appreciatively at the truth exposed and then goes home. I'd like romance, and that requires some mystery. It's not a performer-spectator relationship.

My guyfriend continues. "Being a Funny Girl is just one more way not to allow the guy to bring his A-game. You're doing all the work, and not giving them any space to shine. Let them bring something to the table. Let them make the joke, ask the question, suggest something to do. Give them some space to be amazing."

I've thought about this. It seems if I leave it to them, they turn shy or hesitant. This appears to be a problem, and being a chronic fixer I jump in with the helpful suggestion. No worries, little man, let me steer this conversation or make a plan.

Now I see that this is emasculating. Part of me goes too fucking bad, mate, grow a set to keep up with me. Another part counters that I've grown tired of admiring my own balls. Ultimately, they're not well-rounded company.

So note to self, shut up already with the Insta-Quip. Save it for friends and readers. In romance, allow some space in the conversation for him to impress me. Instead of me working to dazzle with my tough truthiness, trust that I'm attracted to him for a reason that may actually be illuminated if I stop controlling the situation. And vice versa, allow him to be attracted to me instead of me flaunting why he should be.

Sigh, it's not easy to relinquish control. It's part of what I've thought a Strong Woman does. Now I think a Strong Woman has to know moderation, has to be able to discern. She has enough real confidence to be quiet and patient at times, without becoming passive or mousy. There's no one way to be, there's just the back-and-forth volley required by the situation.

The most maddening thing is that sometimes there is no result yielded, there is no definitive yes or no. There's the spark of interest, the smiling conversation, the delicious eye-fuck, the exchange of names...and then the see you later. But...but...aw.

My challenge is to enjoy this for nothing more than what it is: an interesting moment. Instead of trying to shape an emotional future, I'm learning to enjoy the pleasant mystery of the present. Shutting off the anxious analyst is proving to be a struggle, but such is life.

One more thing. The girlfriends I've talked about this with bristle. No, no, they say. We love you the way you are, you're hilarious! You should be yourself, etc.

With all due respect for them and gratitude for the props, I don't want to romance my girlfriends. Eventually, they see this point, and reluctantly conclude there may be some merit in Dating Advice #2. I know, they don't want me to be a milk-sop. I don't either. I have to trust I can find strength in moderation, instead of faking it in excess. It's an interesting shift.

Onwards and upwards, ladies!
G