Prudence is an old-fashioned word, is it not? Meaning discretion, economy, circumspection. Care with regard to one's own interest and providence. A reflective pause. A charmingly quaint notion perhaps, in these days of snap judgements and gut reactions and rampant feeling.
No one has accused me of an excess of prudence. Exactly the opposite, in fact. In recent times, it has been alluded or flatly stated that indeed, I practise what is euphemistically referred to as radical honesty. In more words: blunt, harsh, unthinking. Self-centred and superior. Someone who doesn't trust people, who uses honesty as a means of testing the mettle of her friends and lovers. Hmmm.
This analysis has come unsolicited, angrily and suddenly from two people whom I considered close friends. (So perhaps a distrust of people is not so misplaced.) What has startled me most about these critiques has been the mysterious circumstances which provoked them.
Says the one: It's nothing you've said or done. I think you're an amazing person. I just haven't wanted to hang out with you, or even talk to you, and I don't know why!
Implicit in this is she suspects I'm an asshole, and would like me to join her in speculating on the evidence which may confirm it.
Says the second: You have been offensive to someone I love, and even though that person is not at all offended I've chosen to be hurt on their behalf. I have not told you this for two weeks because I am such a good, sensitive person that I'd rather allude to your defects in pretend conversations about other people or events. I choose to get livid when you say it's illogical to take offense on someone else's behalf who is not offended. I then categorize your exact defects in short order, but don't worry, I really am a wonderful person looking out for you, as evidenced by tearfully repeating how much I really do love you (in spite of you being so unloveable) as a way to end the conversation.
Explicit in this is the accusation that I'm an asshole, and she would like me to join in on the condemnation and of course, seek atonement.
Um. No. I don't think so.
Here, I return (at last) to the notion of prudence. One could say I was prudent by not, for example, telling either of these women to fuck right off with their misguided analyses. Or to respond by cheerfully telling them not to worry, I understood it was likely not me at all but rather some trying, as-yet unidentified circumstance within their own lives that was causing them to act like irrational cunts. Yes, this could be called prudence or tolerance, or perhaps it is just yet another maddening instance of me acting superior.
What I do not call prudent is allowing ethereal feeling to take firm hold of one's reason, and get carried away to the point of making asinine phone calls to an unsuspecting friend, and unloading with either no explanation or else a completely nonsensical one (offended on behalf of another adult who's not offended? Really.) Of course, this imprudence would be totally forgivable, perhaps even endearing, were either party to eventually call back and explain themselves and maybe even apologize for their rash actions.
Oh, but no. You see, this is how they feel. Previously I had been unaware, you see, that by mere dint of feeling something you create a perfect truth. One so immoveable that it's impertinent to speculate it may not be fixed to the ground of reality, and so solid in appearance that to suggest it is hollow is blasphemy.
As Guyfriend succinctly puts it: Just because They are feeling cold does not mean I have to put on a sweater. Or as I even more succinctly put it: Bullshit.
I have felt all manner of inner storms and deluges and volcanic eruptions this past year. This does not mean I was right or wrong to feel these things. Where "right" and "wrong" enter the picture is how I chose to act on these feelings, and in turn chose to react to the consequences of doing so.
And this, if I may, is where I do think I am prudent. Inevitably, my choice in discussing feelings with the person who excited them has led to self-examination as to where this maelstorm may be coming from. Ultimately, it has made me grateful to said person for helping me one step further along the path of self-discovery.
I use the word choice in this context deliberately. You see, I do not think it prudent to lash out with one's feelings at will. Much like I find it distasteful when someone lets go of a long, sibilant fart in my presence because they just did not feel like holding it in or going to the bathroom. I find it misguided to smash someone in the face when I feel they are being unreasonable, or hit them with my vehicle because I feel they really aren't paying attention to where they are going.
These are all choices, and to have a couple of people play "but that's how I feel!" like it's some almighty, inarguable trump card stinks of self-importance. They feel entitled to take a few unprovoked swings in my direction because of a vague feeling that somehow--just don't ask how--I deserve it.
As you may tell, I'm not sorry for these a) mysterious or b) just plain silly intimations of my own impropriety.
I'm affronted, and think both these gals owe me a sincere apology, if not a coherent explanation.
I would advise them that in the future, they may want to consider both the origin and the consequence of feeling before they give into impulse and alienate someone, who in their own past descriptions, was deemed one of their most loyal and generous friends.
I do not appreciate being shat upon, and then being told it is not shit but truth, and I should thank them for their own courageous display of honesty while learning to be more sensitive and positive (aka fake) so we can all get along nicely.
No, thank you. You should learn some control, how to reflect, how to articulate and examine your feelings, and barring all that, you should learn how to be gracious in spite of suspecting you've just made a complete, self-important ass of yourself and learn how to apologize. It would, in my estimation, be prudent to do so.
Economically yours,
Gretchen
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