In Defense of the Dilettante and the Reluctant Romantic

Good evening,

Gosh, it's been a while. I've been (mostly) happily busy with the new work. In the intervals, I try to squeeze in seeing friends and family and kickboxing and household chores and catching the occasional show amid the time set aside for leisure.

A few thoughts on leisure. Leisure is devalued, or perhaps misunderstood these days. Some people pack their leisure hours with activities, with seems ironic when taken to the extreme. These people do not know how to do nothing, and I do believe if you gave them an entire day without a plan they would get twitchy. My dear mum is like this, though she is learning to thoroughly chew at least a few bites of unoccupied time before bolting the rest.

The twin manias for self-improvement or experience are not ones I consciously pursue. I have a healthy curiosity and occasionally pursue what seem like promising scenarios, but mainly I like being surprised by the sporadic stuff that just happens and my reactions. This is my experience. Maybe I'm placid by nature, or easily amused.

As for mental self-improvement, I like to expose myself to new information to see if it will take. However, pursuing self-improvement without passion for the act or pleasure in the process of learning strikes me as joyless as engaging in intercourse to procreate. Oh, I should do this; or learn that, or I'm obligated to know XYZ. Is there any way to make the pursuit of knowledge more dreary than by making it mandatory?

I'm not talking about life skills, such as basic math or learning to read. These are basics we should learn if we hope to engage in being citizens, as are ethics and etiquette. One should learn how to stifle a large belch on the bus, for example, and know not to park in the handicapped space (though disabled washroom stalls are fair game in my world, strangely enough).

Please note I do not advocate on behalf of those who announce they are "trying to learn how to be a better person". This strikes me as wholly disingenous, not to mention vague. Just be a better person. Begin by not making self-satisfied statements for achievements or behaviour not yet accomplished or even begun, but that are in the dubious state of trying to be learned. You'll be at least more likable, if not better, if you remain zipped on this lofty goal.

Nope, by voluntary knowledge I'm referring to the quirky extras, the inter alia we happen upon and for some reason find fascinating and want more information on. For example, I find nutrition an interesting subject, and the first British foray into 19th century Afghanistan, and Finnish architecture. Etc. I'm not expert on these subjects, or any subject outside my daily experience, but am attracted to intellectual flotsam and jetsam. Dilettantes unite!

I make sure to spend at least an hour or two each night being desultory, i.e. not obligated to do anything or beholden to anyone. Weekends are preferably filled with swathes of scheduled pleasures and satisfying household tasks, interspersed with large chunks of nothingness in which to fill or vacate my mind, as I see fit.

I may read about Zen practise in North American women, or loll in the bath drinking French apple brandy for over an hour, draining and re-heating the water and sending salacious texts. These things seem like good uses of my time, if only for the pleasure they afford me of doing exactly what I want to do plus what is possible given my circumstances at that moment. Like I said, perhaps my disposition (or ego) lends itself to being easily gratified by my own company.

That said, I recognize I'm quite demanding when it comes to the company of others. In this regard I recognize a penchant for intolerance. While never bored by myself, I get bored in the presence of others if it is all required to be too nice. Once my smile feels like an effort I make as quick an exit as possible.

That said, I've never been more grateful for the variety of interesting people I know and get to spend time with on occasion. Friendship is a privilege (especially with family members) and I do remind myself of this frequently.

This extends to romantic friendships as well. I'm delighted, if a little startled, to announce my most recent friendship is exceeding my expectations. My delight is tempered with caution. I think it wise not to allow expectations to swell to unmanageable proportions, or grow giddy on future speculation. This way I can be pleasantly surprised if things turn out better than expected, and at least have the comfort of being mentally prepared if they don't pan out.

This may seem guarded to you, dear Reader. You might recall I prefer the term 'prudent'. Low expectations kept in the present allows for the development of genuine, unforced emotions, for what could be more genuine than growing fond of someone when you had no plans or motivations to do so? Loving in spite of oneself strikes me as infinitely more romantic than announcing one is now ready for a Relationship.

Such declarations are to be dreaded. Usually remarked by someone scanning the crowd with an appraising eye, like an Albertan at auction looking for breedstock. If you're sane and single, this statement or its twin "I'm ready to get back Out There!" should have you sidling for the door. (Maintain a polite, frozen smile and eye contact until a safe distance is reached, otherwise the prey response may be triggered and a chase will ensue. The Relationship-ready are notoriously swift, too, though like black bears I'm not sure on their ability to scale trees. Playing emotionally dead may or may not work, either.)

Anyway, in light of these reluctant feelings in early development I've decided it is no longer appropriate to refer to having a fuckbuddy. While I am hopeful that both fucking and buddery are still the distinguishing features moving ahead, it would be dishonest of me to claim that it's just sex (though that's like saying oh, that's just god).

I've thought about this in my leisurely moments, and have come up with the term "gentleman caller" for him and "ladyfriend" for myself. I'm tickled by the courtliness of these terms in contrast to the word fuckbuddy, as we transition to a mysterious "something else" or fall into a sudden void.

In the meantime, I remain your faithful correspondent from the present,

G