Build It And They Will Come...Oh Yes.

Madam and madamoiselles,

I'm back home, feeling slightly deflated after being a short time in such a beautiful European town. My ego got stroked by having people want to talk to me, spend time with me and go out to shows due to my being there such a short time. Also, it was flattering to be desired once again, both en route to my destination and more innocently, by a very decent man there. Even on the plane back from Frankfurt I made a cheerful new friend and penpal. I obviously exude a pheromone only detectable to foreigners and the peripatetic.

Coming back, I keenly feel the absence of young and interesting single men in my hometown. Also, people in general seem preoccupied with getting the final weeks knocked off before the holidays. When did the holidays become about as much fun as a hip replacement?

Myself, I am feeling lackadaisical. Perhaps it's the jetlag or the onset of a mild cold today; perhaps it's the short days and woodstove and endless cups of tea, but I'm feeling quite unperturbed about the impending Xmas. I'm going to eventually hack down a tree on my property, and do some baking and make pierogies, but I'm hoping mainly to hang out with friends and family drinking cocoa and gluhwein and maybe even the lethal, legendary Jolly Santa. I concocted this drink a couple of years ago, one night with my ex.

Jolly Santa (one serving)

-hot cocoa
-one shot creme de menthe, peppermint schnapps or Fireball
-one shot cognac or brandy
-one shot creme de cacao
-whipped cream or miniature marshmallows
-cinnamon stick (can be used as a straw!)

One of these bad boys and all ye faithful shall be gunned. These are especially good to accompany a viewing of 'White Christmas', as the drunker one gets the more ribald the commentary. Between the linebacker shoulders of manwoman Rosemary Clooney, the effete Bing and the anorexic whatsherface, only Danny Kaye is spared. Plus, you can really belt out the title track at the end with a Jolly Santa fire in your belly.

Speaking of hot fire below, let me update you on a recent breakthrough made on the sex toy front. Some of you may recall my disappointment several months ago, upon learning that the Big Indian was discontinued, and that only regular Indians now existed, alongside rabbits, dolphins and something resembling an aardvark.

I did the best I could, but the effect had been underwhelming me for quite some time, to the point where I'd been preferring abstinence to the pitiful whine of AA batteries. However, subsisting on just memories of sexual satiety was driving me to distraction, so on a recent trip to a larger town I stopped in at a retail outlet whose Yellow Pages ad proclaimed the largest regional selection.

The saleslady Cindy was very gracious. She patiently listened to me as I outlined my needs: girth, length, swing, stim, all powered by C or D batteries. And being an old-fashioned hetero, something shaped like a cock, not a weird girlyhand or a geometric shape. However, nothing fulfilled all these criteria. I got close to buying one unit, but after being able to stop it cold with only a minor squeeze of my fist concluded that this would not do at all. I pride myself on beartrap-strong Kegels, all part of good core conditioning.

The only solution in the end was to go a little MacGyver. After two hours in the store, I emerged with the raw materials to construct my very own penisthing to spec. Straight vibrating rod, gelatinous cockandball sheath, vibrating rabbit; throw in a cock ring, Hot Oil silicone lube (apparently KY is for shmucks) and I kid you not, Sex Toy Cleaner and Sanitizer (locally made!). Cost: $218 plus change. Spectro gel also works as a cleaner, by the way. With the A-Team theme playing in my head, I slapped together my new toy back home. I have christened him Frank (short for Frankenstein) and I am very happy to report that Ah! It's! Alive!

Anyway, having bought a couple of kits to cannibalize for parts, I have quite a nice Xmas present out of the leftovers. Anyone in need, or stumped for a present for that hard-to-buy person on their list can contact me (gretchenrutte@gmail.com). The kit contains a midsize vibrator, anal/vaginal beads (I can't see myself sticking these up my bum anytime soon, but for you adventurous ladies or if you have that special man in your life...), a trial size lube and a cock ring resembling a small silicone cheese grater. It looks quite nice, in a little box with a slutty blonde on the cover. It could be just what Uncle Bart needs, or a spicy Secret Santa gift at your office party. What can I say? I'm embracing the spirit of giving this holiday season.

Now am curling up with a movie and a box of Kleenex, sniffle.
G