11 November 2010

The Fuckbuddy Protocols, Part I

OVERVIEW

This document has been created as a policy guide. It is hoped that by explicitly laying out and the rules of engagement, participants may identify and avoid many of the potential pitfalls inherent in fuckbuddery (also referred to a “having an arrangement”; “forming a carnal association”; the “anti-Relationship”; or acting as each other's “bootycall”).

While deceptively easy to begin a course of carnal association, it is common for many participants to quickly become confused as to the nature of the relationship. It is hoped that the clear and stringent guidelines lain out here will ultimately serve to enhance the joy inherent in properly executed fuckbuddery.

POLICY 1: ON DATING EACH OTHER

This arrangement does not preclude going on dates with one another, but it is not required nor even necessarily conducive to true fuckbuddery. Neither party is obligated to provide meals, concert tickets or any other date-like accoutrements to the other; nor invite them to events normally attended by dates. This is left wholly at the discretion of each party, and exclusion is to be borne without rancour by the other.

Of course, if either party feels that their attendance at an event would be genuinely enhanced by the presence of the other, then by all means an invitation should be issued. If said invitation is not accepted, however, it is not to be borne with any rancour by the other, nor is an explanation to be demanded.

Telecommunication should take the form of flirtation (i.e. sexting) or making plans to see one another (i.e. setting up the bootycall). Just “checking in” on a daily basis is standard practice between boyfriends and girlfriends; thus, fuckbuddies should practise restraint in this matter by limiting their daily communication to texting in the vein of affectionate, horny joking.

A special note here on common pitfalls: invitations to weddings, dinner parties or family/seasonal functions. If either fuckbuddy feels impelled to invite the other to these types of events, it is likely the fuckbuddery in its true form is now over and confusion has set in. The same can be said of public displays of affection, beyond what could reasonably be expected between good friends.

POLICY 2: SLEEP-OVER PROTOCOL

In this author's opinion, sleep-overs are a sweet, natural consequence of a satisfying bootycall. However, if either party feels for whatever reason they do not wish to spend the night, this is to be accepted by the other as nothing personal or none of their damn business. At no time shall either party use guilt to confine the other party to the bedroom (although light bondage and sexual blackmail are to be encouraged).

In the morning, after some sex, it is common courtesy to offer coffee if it is a work-day, and coffee and breakfast if it is a non-work day. It is also common courtesy not to press the offer. The same applies for the offer of a shower.

POLICY 3: ASSOCIATING WITH OTHERS

This is a point of some controversy in fuckbuddy academia. It is the opinion of the author that what fuckbuddies choose to do outside the arrangement is their own business. This includes consorting with others, flirting, dating, etc. It is unacceptable for either party to become jealous or pry into the affairs of the other, with regard to current or past dates, friends, lovers or exes.

This may seem like a severe pronouncement, but emotional or sexual possessiveness has no place in this arrangement. Fuckbuddery is a temporary sexual accord between two parties, entered into with the horniest of intentions. Innately, it is not exclusive nor permanent.

It may be decided by mutual assent, however, to communicate if either party a) dates others or b) sleeps with others. This may be done in advance, for reasons of courtesy and sexual health, or after the fact. Or not at all, depending on the agreement reached.

Part II to follow...

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