11 November 2010

The Fuckbuddy Protocols, Part II

POLICY 4: DISCRETION

Upon engaging a skilled and enjoyable lover, friends (if not family) will quickly know something is up. Sleep-deprivation, intense bouts of texting and goofy smiles will give away the happy state of fuckbuddery to those within one's close circle. It is therefore natural and plain good fun to share the news of “getting some” with friends. With close friends, even fist-bumping is considered acceptable behaviour.

However, part of the thrill of being fuckbuddies relies on discretion, mainly as to the identity of the lover in question. This relates to the idea of claiming possession to another, which is contrary to fuckbuddy values.

This matter of identification is a serious one. To publicly “out” the fuckbuddy without their permission is considered crass. It may even be seen as a passive-aggressive form of cock-blocking, and a violation of the spirit of sexual liberation underpinning the association.

That said, a situation may arise where one is asked directly if they have a carnal association with the other. It is human nature to pry, especially by those who experience little or no Action in their own lives.

It would be wise for both fuck-buddies to formulate a uniform response that will not blow their cover or pique further interest in such a case. This may require as subtle a tactic as changing the subject, or as overt as outright lying.

Note: Telling the enquirer to mind their own business is not advised, as one one runs the risk of then being harangued to distraction. This type of person will eventually declare themselves triumphant in guessing the identity of the fuckbuddy (rightly or wrongly) and broadcast the news at once. This should be avoided, as being the subject of lurid gossip and idle speculation is distasteful.


POLICY 5: VAGINAL INTERRUPTIONS

It is an unfortunate truth that as delicious and compliant as pussy may be most of the time, it needs time off each month to recuperate. “Plowing through it” violates the romance of fuckbuddery, so it is recommended that the vagina in question be left alone at such times to vent.

Such interruptions to the bootycall schedule must be tolerated by both parties as part of Natural Law, and other arrangements may be made. For example, best practises calls for blowjobs to be offered unconditionally during this time.


POLICY 6: ENDING THE ARRANGEMENT

If either fuckbuddy should choose to end the non-Relationship for whatever reason, every attempt should be made to communicate this promptly to the other, in person, and with tact and affection.

Failure to do so will lead to hurt feelings and general spite. This is to be avoided at all costs as it may sour an otherwise lovely experience. After all, half of “fuckbuddy” is a term for friend. As befits friendship, a graceful exit and friendly feelings are to be striven for when the carnal association is brought to an end.

Please note: it is the firm belief of the author that fuckbuddery is not a viable long-term state, unless circumstances dictate extremely infrequent meetings. In fact, most carnal associations are measured in weeks (maybe a few months, tops).

For this reason, it is recommended both parties review the arrangement together on a regular basis (bi-weekly, for example). At this time, the situation can be honestly assessed to see if continuation is still desirable. One of the following can be verified upon review:


  1. The fuckbuddery is splendid, and should continue apace until the next review.

  2. The fuckbuddery has peaked, and this is the tasteful wrap-up phase.

  3. The fuckbuddery has now waned, and should be ended quickly while both parties still have their dignity intact.

  4. The fuckbuddery has become an enjoyable part of life but can no longer be deemed fuckbuddery. Perhaps to mutual bemusement and even chagrin, it has now appeared to have mutated into a form of Relationship.


Please note: It is not the intent of the author to advocate for any of the above options.

Developments of this nature are not within the control of either party, and so advocating for any “preferred” option is disingenuous. It is also a gross violation of the very nature of fuckbuddery. This hallowed union is to be entered into with the purest of motives: to get laid often and well with someone attractive and enjoyable.

If either party loses sight of this, it is the duty of the other to deliver a smack to the head and discuss immediately.

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